If you’ve ever gotten tired of eating Pho (though I’m not sure why anyone would eat that grass-water more than once), you can go ahead and visit your local Thai restaurant, where they’ll serve you the same stupid meal by dumping it onto a plate, instead of in a convenient cereal bowl.

Using Quantitative Analysis, I’ve determined the approximate distance between Thailand and Vietnam to be 1,096 km apart, which translates to a 16 hour drive. I’m guessing the Pho Bowls fell off the truck when the first Pho shipment went from Vietnam to Thailand, which explains the inconvenient presentation of watery beef and rice splashed onto your plate. The simple and true fact is that the only good Thai food choice is the Thai Coconut Curry Wings from Buffalo Wild Wings.

Shape and texture aside, Thai food was a massive disappointment. The “Nom Nom Hoy” I ordered wound up being some shitty slices of bland pho-beef, with rice, peppers, and topped with a generous portion of lukewarm water. Apparently this is from one of the ‘best Thai places around’. Shocker. They served it with quite a few spices, which are apparently so spicy that it borders on becoming inedible. But I guess it’s better to feel pain than nothing at all.

HYPOTHESIS: Studies have shown the average height of a man from Thailand to be approximately 5’5, whereas the average height of a South Korean man is 5’9. Coincidentally, Korean’s have mastered the art of inventing phenomenal foods, such as Korean fried chicken (Bon Chon), and all-you-can-eat Korean BBQ. I would probably grow less too if all I had to eat was tasteless rice-water.

Another SUPERIOR alternative to Thai food would be General Tso’s chicken (Chinese). At least the General has a decent amount of MSG to fill you up. If I wanted green peppers in rice-water I could’ve made that myself. PRO TIP: ALWAYS order the general if you have the option; steer clear of Thai.

I’ve deduced the ranking of foods from the Orient to be as such:

1. Korean
2. Chinese
3. Sushi
4. Mongolian (PF Chang’s Mongolian Beef)
5. Whatever they have to eat in North Korea
6. Pho / Thai

Thai food is no different than throwing some green peppers in a puddle and letting them cook in the Southeast Asian sun. I, for one, will salute the General till the day I die. At least they put some fucking breading on it.

My Thai Food dish of water and pepper-rice.

My NOM NOM HOY portion size as compared to an iPhone 6-Plus and my friends hand.