The dish called ‘Pho” (pronounced, ‘Fuh’, as in ‘Fucking Stupid’) is one of the greatest scams of all time.

If you’ve lived in the DC metro area, it is likely that at some point a pretentious hipster, complete with man-bun and little-girl jeans, has told you about his favorite Pho restaurant (these are typically named numerically, such as ‘Pho 87’, or ‘Pho 12’).

But before I continue, let me clarify something. Pho is actually a cultural delicacy. I mean, it’s a great dish to enjoy if you’re really in the mood for some stupid fucking grass-water. For a nominal fee, they’ll even toss in some disgusting throwaway meats that kind of look like your dog’s “Beggin’ Strips”. It’s a great way to pay 11+ dollars and still be starving immediately after.

The creators of “Pho” somehow found a way to even downgrade the carbohydrate portion of the meal. What you’ll get, is a batch of white slimy noodles that looks like a squid from the Jersey Shore. They’ll sprinkle it with some grass, and then grace you with a Sriracha bottle, as if that somehow excuses the original insult of serving you that bowl of shit in the first place.

ACCUSATION: Anyone who actually claims to really like “Pho” is lying to you. I have been told that Pho is an “acquired taste”. The truth is, anyone who claims to have acquired a taste for Pho, has done so by starving themselves for a while, and “acquired” the standards of a malnourished Taiwanese child (my sympathies to said children for having to put up with such foolishness in the first place).

People from D.C. love Pho. It’s essentially the liberal, elitist, food of choice: overpriced, numerically regulated, and completely based on lies. I would go so far as to say that the DC area is one of the only places where Pho restaurants could remain in business, aside from places like San Fran and NYC, where enjoying stuff that sucks is pretty much the local custom.

MONEY-SAVER PRO TIP: If you really want Pho, you can just make your own by pulling some weeds out of your garden, tossing them in a water bowl, and microwaving for about a minute. Enjoy.